So what do you say when a birth family visit doesn’t go as planned? It’s so easy to share the good, share the complexities, the vulnerability….we have been so lucky to carefully share bits of visits with our kids' birth families. So fortunate. We have shown up and birth families have shown up too. How incredible.
The hardest part is the thought of the story we will have to tell our sweet boy when it comes up. Why this year was different. But we learned. There is no less love but there is more of an understanding in how to approach visits so everyone feels safe and supported and taken care of.
After months of planning and communication, the time of our visit on Sunday kept getting pushed and pushed. After quite a few hours it was time for us to leave. We made the call. We couldn’t wait any longer. Our kids had been in the hot sun all day, one was post nap time, one was completely deregulated and worked up, and both were on the verge of major meltdowns. We had to leave. It was what was best for our kids and our family. So, it’s not that she didn’t show. She was trying to get there.
But we left.
It is very likely that this visit was simply too much emotionally for her. The grief and and the loss became too real in that moment. We think she was on her way but we just don’t know. And that doesn’t make her bad or flakey or unreliable it makes her human and shows the depth of her grief and the brokenness adoption can cause.
And in-spite of all of that, we made the choice to leave because it was in the best interest of our children and that is the most important thing. You might think we should have stuck around, or tried to reschedule for that evening, but that wasn’t what was best for our children. And that’s the call, and the privilege of being our kids parents. Oof. That is so so hard for first mothers to actually experience, and it is pain that we caused. No matter how unintentional.
I was so angry. And perhaps she was too. And still is. We can be angry and disappointed and we can still choose to show up. And we will. All of us will.
I was so sad to not see her and I still am sad. More than anything, I am sad for my little Desi, who at two really doesn’t know the difference, but boy what a chance to spend time with his tummy mommy.
We had a great weekend visiting Desi’s birth city. We swam, we consumed approximately 50 pounds of French fries, we took a ride on a pirate ship, we ate ice cream. But the most important thing was missing….let’s hope for next time. Xx