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November 2nd, Patience

Patience. I Googled it this morning and had a laugh when I read the definition: The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. By this very definition- I had VERY little patience, if any, during the adoption process. Oh, I found the capacity to accept all sorts of things- but very rarely without getting upset. I was constantly in the pursuit of patience- but it never really happened.

Trying to stay the course with patience takes energy and focus and constant redirecting everyday. It’s hard to have much energy at all when you’re using so much brain power WILLING the phone to ring. I really thought if I stared hard enough it would ring. Or- some days I thought- if I don’t look at it for hours it will ring. Oh! Some days I thought- maybe if I book a trip it will ring! All of those mental gymnastics left little room for me to work on patience. I was SO busy making the phone ring.

Here are just a few of the times when patience would have helped. Which are, coincidently, all the same times I also failed at being patient.

Waiting for paperwork to be filed. Waiting to hear when our home study would be. Waiting for our Home Study to be ready Waiting for our profile book to arrive in the mail. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting to know if an expectant mother had chosen us to parent. Waiting to talk to an expectant mother Waiting for a text from R’s birth mother. Waiting for her to say she changed her mind. Waiting to hear how her doctor’s appointments went. Waiting to meet her at the pancake house in Ft. Lauderdale. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for R’s birth mom to go into labor. Waiting to hear that she had given birth to a healthy baby. Waiting to hold R. Waiting for her to change her mind. Waiting for her to sign papers.

I did not wait gracefully or with patience.

Except at the end. Except when Rory was here. And then, I found patience. I was not angry or upset as the 48 hours of waiting after R was born and before paperwork was signed became our reality. I have never waited for anything with more patience. I didn’t even have to work at it. It was just there. You see- there was a child now. In the first moments and days of his life he deserved pure open love. His very presence required me to be the best version of myself. A version of myself who was able to let go of all the “what if’s” and the fear and the worry. A version of myself that was patient. All I was capable of was loving Rory as my son. I couldn’t do or be anything but his mama. I couldn’t undo what I felt once I laid eyes on him. What could have come next, the alternative, his first mother choosing to parent, was ever present- but somehow I was peaceful and I was full of patience- R changed everything. Love is patient. Love is kind.

That patience was magical and it has disappeared. So, pray for me as I go through this process again; Patience-less. Send wine. Send love. I need them both. Xx


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