Throughout the month I’ve been able to reflect on the highest of highs (welcome to the world R!) and the lowest of lows (failed match- Oof). Those highs and lows can be easy to manage. They happen outwardly for the world (or at least my world) to see. I am fortunate to have a community of friends, family, coworkers who rallied around me the first time for all the highs and lows, and I know there song for the ride this time too.
The trickier highs and lows are the ones that are part of the everyday for waiting families.
The mental stamina of managing the everyday highs and lows is extraordinarily hard to navigate and it can feel extraordinarily isolating.
I hope I’m ready for the countless highs and lows that will be part of the waiting season. They already started today. I was hoping it would wait until we were officially waiting for the call. But nope, my heart and mind have already begun wandering from highs to lows and back again.
Today it started real early. As I woke up I found myself thinking about being a mother again and daydreaming of having our new baby home. The possibility and the hope that exists in those thoughts is incredible. It is a natural high. It a wonderful way to start the day. Then, I checked Facebook (yep- still in bed-no judgment) and I read about a mother who has been waiting to be matched for over a year. Just reading that made the hope and joy that comes with dwelling in the possibility turn into a vicious knot in my stomach. The reality that baby number 2 might take a very long time- hit me, and it hit hard. And so, in those first few moments of the day- I felt a glorious high, and then, a fairly significant low. These mental gymnastics are so exhausting. The waiting mind can play awful tricks. Moments can get lower…..Sometimes if E and I argue I’ll think it’s the universe telling me that we’re not ready to be parents again and that we’ll have to wait longer. I often feel like I have to be on my best behavior in order for the universe and fate to be on my side. Yeah….that’s not exactly healthy.
These daily highs and lows are isolating. It’s deeply personal and sometimes it feels embarrassing at how excited I can get on any given day of the week when there is no indication at all that our baby is on the way. Then, that excitement can come crashing down b/c of a Facebook status, an online article, or because I’ve decided for some wackadoo reason that it’s my fault we haven’t been matched yet. Staying the course with a level head is not my strong suite.
And again, we’re not even officially waiting yet! Then it gets even more intense- The high of the phone ringing. Knowing an expectant mother is going to see our profile. Knowing that we might be closer to our child, until we learn that an expectant mother did not choose us (we had eight phone calls like that before R’s birth mom choose us). And then navigating that low until something sparks your heart again and you start to daydream about your match phone call, your child, your life changing forever.
And some days, like today, it feels a teensy bit hopeless, even though there’s nothing rational about that thought. Intellectually you know that’s so silly. But, for whatever reason it’s a low day. And you don’t feel so good about it. Then- you receive a text from a dear friend, and in an instant that low turns into a high and like magic, faith is restored, and you know your baby will happen. Adoption is a tricky thing. The lows are real low. But, oh boy, the highs make it oh so very worth it.