To begin, at the beginning.
This beginning feels so different. The first time we adopted everything was so new, so shocking. Each form, question, conversation felt raw. It was all rather tedious. I had to let go of what I thought my narrative of motherhood would be. Perhaps harder, was guiding friends and family to let go of that narrative as well. It’s hard to be a guide when you’re desperate for guidance. I had to grieve the stories and memories I had already created in my head about being a new mother. As I walked through the adoption process I was simultaneously opening my heart to my child and grieving what I thought that would look like. In the beginning I wish I knew what I was letting go of was simply making room for the greatest gift. For Rory.
THIS beginning I am able to fully get lost in the excitement and wonders of who my child will be. All of the paperwork, fear, lack of control is still part of it, but this time it all feels a little lighter.
THIS beginning I can sit and I can wonder:
When? Where will I be when the phone rings? Will the first match phone call be THE match phone call? What city or town will be the place where you are born and that forever leaves an imprint on my heart? Who will you be made from? Who will I love because they are an extension of you? What will your first moments be like? What will those days be like? The in between? Will you be with your first mother or with me and your papa? Will you know me as your mama right away? Will I know you as my child right away? What will we need to learn together?
What will our first night be like? Watching you take every breath?
Learning you. Breathing you in.
What will you think of your big brother? Your funny, funny brother? What will he think of you?! Who will the four of us become?
You will have to learn my smell. My voice. My skin. My heartbeat.
I will teach you us.
I will protect you fiercely and perhaps hold on a little too tight as we learn one another. I will ask others to stay back. To give us space. To respect that we did not have 9 months together. This will be the very beginning for us….I can’t wait to meet you. Xx